I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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