he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
