i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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