I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
