his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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