My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
