the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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