I smell stomach acid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
