I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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