I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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