hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
