I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They took my balls.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
