The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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