One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
