when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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