im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
