so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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