just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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