We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
