why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
