i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
