I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
