Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
