You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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