Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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