Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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