Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
