my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
my liver is dry heaving
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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