I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
