omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize