will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
