mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Sex in the backyard? Check.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
