hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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