I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
