I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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