how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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