Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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