Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
