the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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