I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
