I am spending my child support on dildos
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
