While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
