You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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