Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
