Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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