Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
