Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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