my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
