is your mom at the bar?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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