Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
