If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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