remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
