I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
