At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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